Umm boom bah day

September 15th, 2009

Gram’s Status:

Mood: Unsure and upset

Pain Level: Sore tailbone from sitting so much

Appetite: Very little appetite-she doesn't want to eat.

 Mobility: Walked up ad down the driveway 2 times.          

Pressure pushing down on me

Pressing down on you no man ask for

Under pressure - that burns a building down

         Today was my first day back on my own with Gram in more than 2 weeks. The radio alarm clock was blaring the song “Under Pressure” when I woke up today.  David Bowie perfectly described the experience of the day. I had forgotten all the many things that need to be remembered, accomplished and smoothed over in a mere 24 hours. The day began with the Hospice nurse showing up 2 and half hours late. We woke up early to be ready for her arrival and waited and waited and waited. When I finally called the nurse had variety of excuses. Number 1: “I didn’t know I had a set time today”. The note she left that said 9:00 wasn’t definite I suppose. Number 2: Something had come up that caused her to be delayed. Really? Was this “something” in the middle of nowhere where there are no phones, telegrams to carrier pigeons that could relay the message that she would not arrive in the morning but the afternoon? Hmm. When she finally arrived she still needed basic training to perform some of the medical procedures that need to be done daily.

Chippin' around - kick my brains around the floor

These are the days it never rains but it pours

         I muddled though the rest of the day. Poor Gram had to continually remind me to do the simplest things. I felt so afraid I would mess something up it made me an idiot. I kept chanting in my head “I can do this, I can do this, I can do this”. By the late afternoon I wasn’t sure I could do a damn thing right.

Insanity laughs, under pressure we're cracking

Can't we give ourselves one more chance?

         During the day, one thing after another began to fall apart. I was sweating and shaking but trying to keep a calm and joyful attitude.  I could feel her questioning stare and I knew she was wondering; Can this KID really do this? Gram asked me if everything was okay? I  answered with a big plastered on smile and said, “EVERYTHING IS JUST FINE”.

This is our last dance

This is ourselves

Under pressure

Under pressure

       At night, I laid awake praying the same prayer my Uncle and Mother had prayed in the weeks earlier, “Dear God, Please don’t let me screw anything up tomorrow.” Thoughts of all the things that I needed to do and remember rushed through my head and I felt like a nervous wreck. As the night progressed, I continued to get up to check on Gram every thirty minutes. After many hours, I began to wonder what am I so worried about? If she becomes uncomfortable she will call for me. If she passes away in her sleep peacefully that would be the best gift she could receive. Everything that I am doing is coming from a place of love even if I don’t do everything right. Beating myself up and worrying wont make me do a better job, it will just make me bat-shit-crazy and that will definitely NOT help Gram. So I am doing my best to make this “last dance” the best it can be for the both of us. However, I still hope I don’t screw up tomorrow.