The Great Divide

            The last 5 days have been extraordinarily difficult for Grandma and myself. I do will not get into details about what happened because I think enough of her dignity has been compromised during this situation already. But I will say we have been through hell and back. At 3:30am on Sunday morning, I remember lying in her bed holding her hand praying to God to give us the strength to get through the night. The experience made me question my competence, her quality of life and whether or not I can actually do this without loosing my mind.

            It has become clear that the staff from our Hospice does not have any experience with colon cancer and the complications that it entails. This it exceedingly frustrating and makes me feel completely helpless. I am realizing that our Hospice has provided a very nice pastor, a social worker who is a great listener, a CNA and nurses who work so very hard to make Gram comfortable but they provided no one who knows how to address HER specific medical needs. I am tired of training nurses on what to do, and even more tired of these medical procedures not being done correctly.  If not for the help of one nurse that we met in the hospital we would have been lost. She came on her own time to assist us and make sure everything was okay. For her, I am forever grateful.

            In the afternoon, I watch Gram shift constantly in her chair becoming more and more uncomfortable. She never complains but I will walk into her room and see her teetering at the end of her chair. She will be folded over to the point where I am afraid she will fall off. She says she is simply trying to get comfortable, but comfort never seems to come.  I ask her if she would like some painkillers and she always refuses, only taking something when a nurse insists. She chooses to sit in pain and it is increasingly difficult to watch.

            Recently, I have noticed a change in my relationship with my Grandmother. She is sometimes short with me and can even be unkind. Yesterday, she refused to eat and in the evening we had a bout of serious hypoglycemia. It was a very scary situation. Some days these things break my little heart and someday it makes me furious. It’s hard to do everything you can and it never seems like it is right or enough. But I am starting to realize why she is doing this. First off, I think she is searching for some control. It must be so hard depending on others for your every need. But I also believe she is trying to distance herself from me and from the people she loves. It started in the hospital when I noticed her distancing herself from her friends. I think by creating this divide she is making the transition to the other side easier for herself and for those that love her.

            Sometimes I get a glimpse of my old Gram. I see the real her in the evening when I am getting her ready for bed. I apply her face creams her body lotion so she doesn’t get dry skin. She says, “I could purr when you do that”.  She seems lucid and peaceful and happy that I am near. We talk and she looks into my eyes and that make me forget that she is sick. I live for that time and I tell myself that she does too.