Grandma and I have had a calmer week. She is beginning to slow down. There has been lots of sleeping and significantly less eating. It has been a real struggle to keep her blood sugar up. When it gets low from the meager amount of food she is eating she gets terribly ill. Sometimes it feels like I am so busy caring for her I may never get it all done and other times I am so bored I think I might set myself on fire. At least she seems a little more content with the state of her world and much more at peace with my presence. For that I am truly grateful.
By Tuesday, it seemed that we have come to a better understanding of one another. I realized that she thinks of me as the “Kid”. When I make a suggestion, no matter how reasonable, she will never accept it because she does not trust my 20-something judgment. She still wants to be in control of our Grandmother/Grand-daughter relationship. And that's okay! Now, I call my Mom or my Uncle or a Nurse and have them make my suggestion (pretending it’s there own) when talking to her because she trusts them and allows them to take control. I also have come to realize that she could only go through the stages of acceptance on her own time. Denial or not I had to be patient.
We had a conversation on Wednesday I know I will never forget. That evening before bed, she was brushing her teeth. The she told me a story of Grampy Becker. My Great-Grandfather who in his lifetime saw horse and buggies, covered wagons, the model T, and men walk on the moon. Crazy. Anyway, she was laughing because he only brushed his teeth once a week on Sundays before church (and the man had ALL of his own teeth). Gram dearly loved Grampy and thought highly of him. I lamented to Gram that I had no memories of Grampy and that I hoped when I die and move on to heaven (or whatever the heck I go after this life) I hope I could get to know him. Then she said with tears in her eyes, “When you get to heaven we will all be a family again”. It was the first time she had brought up heaven to me. Millimeter by millimeter she was coming closer to acceptance.
I have been doing my best to keep my oversensitive, uber-controlling, high-strung self in check. I have been trying to give her more choices and control of her life. It seems simple and pointless but she likes to be the one to lock the doors in her house at night, she wants to decide when her hair gets washed and exactly how much soap we use to bath her. It can be frustrating because when I am simply trying to get through the chaos each day keeping her safe, happy and healthy. These little things I rarely consider. But I have been trying really hard to remember these aspects of her life. They are not trivial they are the few choices she has and I need to honor them (even though the time she told me I used too much soap I thought I would kill her).
Sunday evening she was upset before bed. I asked her what was wrong and she said, “I’m not ready to die”. I nodded at her. Then she said, “I just want God to tell me when I am going to die”. I was at a loss of what to say so I mumbled something like “Do you wanna pray or something”? She started to say our dinner prayer but then I gently suggested that perhaps the Lord’s Prayer was a better bedtime choice. So together we said it:
Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.
As we said the prayer, one phrase seemed to be the answer. Thy will be done. I reminded her that sometimes we have to give up some of our control to a higher power. Whether we live or die is not our choice. She nodded her head and seemed to take some comfort in that. I think that Sunday night she realized she is not going to get better and back on her feet again. I also think she came to accept it.
Today she spoke of wanting to be with her family until she gets “too sick”. She said when she gets “sick” she said she would “just let go”. I reminded her that even when she "let’s go" she wont be without family because my Grandpa (her husband) and Grampy (Gram’s father) will be waiting for her. I hope she finds comfort in the fact that she will not be alone. I think loosing control over your life must be extraordinarily hard to deal with, but I hope in the end it brings her some peace.
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