As the daylight in our autumn days dwindles so does my Grandmothers time on this earth. Day by day, I feel her letting go and the person who I have known is slipping slowly away. Her once clear sharp mind is slowly becoming more clouded. We are blessed because her spirits are up and confused as she often is, she is typically happy.
Together my family searches for acceptance and understanding in this situation. Gram and I talk about death daily and what we expect she will find. I once asked her Who do you want to take you to heaven? I expected she would say her husband (my Grandfather who passed away 7 years ago) or her Mother and Father. But she said, “I want to see you there. I want you to come with me but I know you cannot”. Part of me wants to go with her because I cannot imagine I how I will live the rest of my long life (God willing) without her in it. She has been my person, my lap to crawl up in and the one that loves me more then anyone else. She has always been the person who saw into my heart and my soul and understood my true nature. A world without my person seems hard to imagine.
Even during this nearly three month process, I would get down and upset and often wanted to call my Grandma about this very situation. This sick person didn’t seem like my real Grandma! My Grandma would know exactly what to say when I had tried so hard but nothing seemed to be right, and when people didn’t like what I had said, written or done, or when I would get so frustrated then terribly angry at myself for being frustrated. She would make me feel good again; she would slowly evaluate the situation and then reassure me that I was doing the right thing. But that part of my Grandma has already moved on and the support I so desperately want is not available to me anymore.
Crawling up in my bed at her house after a trying day is often lonely. I will never regret making the choice to be with Gram during this time (despite my incessant complaining), but dealing with the solitariness of the day to day is often more trying then the actual care giving. All day you give your entire self to another person and at the end of the day feel completely alone. I often find myself wishing I could simply get a hug before I go to sleep, just a little hug to make me feel a little less sad. Networking systems like Facebook and writing this Blog make me feel a little better because I feel like those that love and care about me know what is occurring in my life. Virtual hugs so to speak.
I know both Gram and I will get through this. Soon we will be separating into our different worlds and saying good-bye for what seems like eternity. But tonight when it seems tough and lonely, I try to remind myself that I am blessed. I was given a person who was tremendously special. I know in my heart that I appreciated her for as long as she was in my life. Nothing has been left unsaid, I have thanked God for her nearly everyday of my life and she molded me into the person I am. I have been blessed.
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