It feels like I am making smack!

Last weekend, we noticed that had Grandma proceeded to decline more rapidly than before. The nurses told my Mother and I to get the family together because the she believed it was becoming close to the end. So some of the family gathered together to prepare and say our final good-byes. We rushed in to hold her hand and comfort her in her final moments. Gram often seemed to be talking to her dead parents, friends and to God. We could feel how close she was to death and my family members and I poured our hearts out to her.

However, each time she would rally and wandered away from “the white light”. Often she even says to the spirits she converses with, “I’m not going… but maybe tomorrow” I honestly think at times she is trying to negotiate with God!   Over the last week, we have thought it was close to the end at least three times.  We are at a loss on how to help her move on. Her quality of life is terrible. She hasn’t eaten in a week and is often agitated, confused and totally miserable.  Is she is holding on for some purpose? I have gone through a plethora of reasons she may be holding on. Is it because she is so used to fighting she doesn’t know how to let go? Or is it because she has unfinished business? Is she battling personal demands?  Is she trying to teach me something?

I have learned a variety of skills and life lessons over the past 2 and half months. I know how to entertain myself without leaving the house for 7 days. I know what patience and tenacity really means. I can sleep soundly on a tiny rollaway bed with two 15-pound cats. I have mastered medical procedures I NEVER expected to do. Daily I make Gram’s medicine, which consists of morphine and Lorazapam. I first need to grind up the pill between two spoons. Then I add the few milligrams of morphine to the spoon and mix it together. Lastly, I add a little water mix it again and then suck it up in a medicine dropper. Sometimes when I am making her dose at midnight and the house is dark, I am exhausted and in my grubby pajamas I look around and think this feels like I am making smack! Good God! As you can see Dear Readers, I have gained many skills from this adventure.

The Poor Old Lady, she is miserable and so not the Gram that I know and love. She seems like a shell of the person I know so dearly. My hope is that she and all the rest of us in this house find some peace. I pray she finds what she needs and has the courage to let go and move on.