I'm on the road to find out

Date: August 18th, 2009

Gram’s Status: Grumpy in the am and Happy in the PM

Mood: Pain Level: Sore muscles from exercise.

Appetite: She ate two again breakfasts soup for lunch and I made ham and cheese crepes for us for dinner

Mobility: She walked 160 feet today and is practicing for the steps when she gets home.

Sometimes I get this feeling of wanting to do too much. I yearn to drive way too fast, to run more miles than I should if I want to walk the next day, to finish that whole bottle of wine rather then just half, to strip down stark naked and skinny dip in the lake at 2am when I can’t sleep, or to travel to far away lands without a set plan and never look back. I haven't done any of these things…yet! When I get these feelings I never know where they come form I think, “That’s not me!” But perhaps it is me. Maybe I am more conscience of these feelings because I am watching someone fight for their life. I don’t know for sure. I think I have suppressed these urges for the majority of my life but maybe these urges are the “real me”. What would happen if one of these days I gave in? Did something adventurous and completely out of character. I wonder if this whole experience with my Grandmother has been to teach me this lesson: to get out and live?

I suppose I have made many decisions in my life that were “good” and “safe”. But to be honest these responsible decisions have made me pretty content. The thought of not being near my Grandma when she needed me was always more than I could bear. Not that I ever thought of her as a burden, she has never done anything but supported me in perusing my dreams and life. She has wanted nothing more but for me to do what made me happy. It ended up being worth it to me to stay close to share more time with her. I think it equals out in the end, I have gained such knowledge and life experience being with her.

But someday, someday I want to do these wild things. I don’t want to think twice or to worry and stress. I just want to do. What do I want to do is still in question, but I am thinking about it. And as soon as Grandma wakes up we will be talking about it. I hope we can figure it out.