Free To Be Me!

Date: August 24, 2009

Gram’s Status: Very sad

Mood: Pain Level: No complaints

Appetite: She ate an English muffin for breakfast and a few bites of soup for lunch.

Mobility: She practiced getting in and out of the car for her trip home on Wednesday.

            I am so amazed am the sheer amount of cards, flowers, phone calls and well wishes my Gram has received in the last month. Not a day goes by that she does not get a handful of envelopes delivered to the hospital. At one point, a nurse said that she had more flowers than anyone else on the floor. I consider that pretty amazing!

            My Grandma is someone who is kind, funny and loving. She is also stubborn and brutally honest. The birthday card she sends me each year is always the first to arrive. She is always available to listen if I have been dumped, if my feelings have been hurt by a friend or if I gained 5 pounds. She always makes me feel loved, special and thin. She also never hesitates to tell you the absolute truth (if she thinks you spend too much on a purse) or give her honest opinion (if your dark blonde roots are showing and you need a dye job). She is fiercely loyal, God help anyone who crosses me or any other family members. That poor soul will be forever damned in her mind. She is always herself through and through.

            I think the one trait I have clearly gained from my Gram is my loyalty. I remember once in Junior High School a girl was terribly cruel to my brother at a school dance. From that day forward, I have hated this girl, her family and her dog. I wont speak or even wave to any of them if I see them in the neighborhood. I try to be nice, but I simply cannot.

            I, as well as anyone else have a plethora of bad traits. I over exaggerate, I am wasteful, self centered, critical, high strung and I am completely over sensitive.  These character flaws are the first things I think about in times decision making or stressful situations. No one will ever need to point them out to me because these are the demons I deal with everyday, trying to hide them and will them out of me. It takes strength to battle the self-doubts that cloud who we are. I am always struck how completely herself Grandma is each and everyday with no apologizes. This is awe inspiring to me. I often feel myself morphing to be what others want me to be. I always have feared by being the real “me” people would not like me and I have ALWAYS wanted to be liked.           

            I suppose that in my mind, only saintly people get a get-well card from everyone they ever met and so many bouquets the hospital room looks like an arboretum. There is something so comforting knowing that people love you all the more if you are yourself. It reminds me of my favorite shirt from when I was a child. It was pink and had a painted butterfly on it with the saying “Free To Be Me”. I wore it constantly and at think at that age I had a better sense of myself than I do now. I plan to “fight the good fight” and be unapologetically me from now on. As has been the theme throughout this entire experience, I have learned an important lesson: Just like Grandma I am “Free To Be Me”.