August 29, 2009
Gram’s Status:
Mood: Happy-Slept until 11am!
Pain Level: No complaints
Appetite: Okay. She ate a piece of cinnamon bread (her favorite) orange juice and coffee this morning. For a lunch (very late-did not eat lunch till 4pm) she had mashed potatoes, noodles and tomato sauce.
What do you tell someone when they can’t admit that they are going to die? I ask myself this question daily. Gram has yet to truly accept her prognosis. She has been told what she is facing, but a few minutes after she has been told she does not seem to want to remember the conversation. I sometimes wonder if we should play along with my Gram’s personal mental sham and support in the irrational thoughts of an endless life or if we should be honest in hopes that she will live simply for today. We continue to say the same neutral statement “Let’s just take it one day at a time” but that sometimes seems impossible for her to do. The fight to hang on and battle through each and every day even though it has not been easy for a very long time. My mom and I used to joke that she would probably out live us all purely though her cussedness. I fear when she comes to grip with what she is up against she will quit fighting. Is there some sort of in middle ground between all out war and surrender?
I find that she sometimes convinces me that she may fight and beat stage 4 cancer because she is such a force to be reckoned with. I start to imagine Christmas, Easter and her coming to visit me in my new Chicago apartment. I see my Mom, Gram and I sitting on my couch drinking coffee and looking out over the city from the 26th floor enjoying the view. She would love that. Then I stop, I am brought back to reality when I hear her rattling cough or look carefully at the grey color of her face and the far away look in her eyes.
It’s not to say that I don’t want her to fight, I just want to find some peace and comfort too. I hope for her to make peace with her Maker and with the world. I don’t want her to ever have regrets or things left unsaid. I want her to enjoy each moment and live simply for the day. It breaks my heart to think of her last moments being fitful, fighting and bitter. The Hospice nurses say this is a journey and some people don’t find acceptance until their very last moment, but everyone finds it. I find comfort in this and I pray it is true.
When people hear that someone has lived 88 years they typically say “What a long life! She is so lucky”. I completely agree with this, I know every day young people and children die at the very beginning of life and it is a heartbreaking tragedy. I completely realize that there is no comparison between a tragic death and the death of an elderly person, but it is still painful. Despite her many years on this earth, I know that she feels that she isn’t finished yet. She has golf outings scheduled until October, places to go and people to see. She has knitted sweaters, hats, booties and blankets for great-grandchildren that are yet to be conceived. She makes recommendations for colors in my wedding and I don’t even have a boyfriend!
We all want this special time to bring Grandma (and all of those that love her) comfort and acceptance. I hope she gets to do most of the things she truly enjoys and is surrounded by those that love her deeply. I hope this is not the end of her journey but merely a stage with far more to come after she leaves this earth (I hope she believes that too). I imagine that someday when it is my turn to leave the world, she is waiting for me with a smile and a big bowl of red-hot apples.
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